Hillary for President: Yeah, That's the Ticket

Yeah, I was nominated by popular demand in 2008, yeah that's the ticket, popular demand from older white Democratic women, yeah who demanded that the caucus states be thrown out and the small states be discounted and the states we couldn't win were made into a new country called uh...Repub...uh...Republic...annnnnia, yeah that's right, Republicania, that's the ticket, yeah, and the Florida and Michigan delegates held a new primary with only my name on the ballot, yeah only my name, that's the ticket and then everyone realized the superdelegates are automatic, so they all had to vote for the inevitable candidate, me, Hillary Clinton, yeah that's right me, who was sworn in as the first ever woman President of the United States.  Yeah, I was President, that's the ticket.

I remember we were supposed to have the ceremony in January, but we were told some scary Africans were wearing muslim outfits and some angry black militants might say things upsetting to nice white people and very hateful toward America, so we had to take evasive cracker triangulation maneuvers using polite words and words of reason, yeah, that's the ticket, words of reason like "Why can't we be racist too, like the blacks?"  and "Why do black people hate America in such an angry black preachery way?" yeah, that's the ticket.  We were told to sit on our lobbyist's policy positions for protection and that the ceremony would have to be moved further from where the Constitution resides in the National Archives.  In the end, we had to run with our heads down straight to our consultant's limos.  Of course, there was that Canadian there who I couldn't just run by, so I told him I was lying about NAFTA, no, I mean I told him Obama was lying about NAFTA, yeah, that's what I said.  Yeah, Obama was lying, that's the ticket., which is why I was elected, yeah, and people realized they were just being sexist so they voted for me, yeah, that's the ticket, they voted for me, and because Obama sat down and spoke with the wrong tyrants, so we didn't know how much danger there was from snipers up in the surrounding hills, yeah, snipers in the surrounding hills from Obama's lack of experience.  And my tax records showed I had given 87 uh thousand uh million dollars to MMM...Mother...Teresa, yeah, that's right.  There were no empty speeches at my inauguration, and a poem was read by Duh...Dannnn.....te, yeah Dante Alighieri, that's the ticket and Caruso sang God Bless America.  Yeah, that's right, Enrico Caruso.
We couldn't have the ceremony, but I was still made Auauaua au...to...mmmm...a...tic President, yeah Automatic President, that's the ticket, elected by the Automatic Electoral College.  Yeah, I was President that one time, and Barack Obama was Vice President and the first day we solved global warming and the next day we brought home every single troop from Iraq, yeah, and still were somewhat magically able to leave behind a contingent to protect our vital interests.  And Sinbad became Secretary of Comic Diplomacy and Cheryl Crow was in charge of just having fun until the sun came up over Santa Monica Boulevarde.  That was cool.